Turk Olympics
by Cueball
Summary: Due to a lack of money, Reno and Rude take part in the Olympics, but these aren't just any Olympics...
1. So It Begins

Disclaimer: It wouldn't be FanFiction if I owned it. And everything from this point onward is intended to be funny, if you find it offensive, well, you shouldn't take it seriously.

Reno, the sloppily dressed, loudmouth, womanizing, -- dyed -- red haired member of the Turks. Everything about his appearance screams rebellion.

But what most people don't know, is how much it costs to maintain it, sure the suits are free, and he's paid ridiculous amounts of money to do minor assassinations, or to collect some girl thats the last of her kind and who can lead ShinRa to some special place, but the shirts itch like there's no tomorrow, so he has to buy silk shirts, then he has to buy at-least sixty tubs of Pacific Number Five, Red Hair Dye, to dye his Natural green hair, red, I mean, who would want long Green hair? Thats just wrong!

But thats not all, no, after that, he has to buy tones of Hair gel, even more than Rufus ShinRa and Cloud Strife together, how else is he gonna keep his hair looking perfectly ruffled all the time?

If your haven't guessed by now, our Hero is very, very, vain. But how vain Reno is, isn't the point of the story, the point is, he spends alot on his appearance, so much in-fact, that he has no money for food or booze, now you may be asking, why wouldn't he save some money for food or booze? Well, if he wanted to eat, he could go to the Shinra buildings Cafeteria, and if he's up for a drink, just ask yourself, who is Reno always with when he go's to a bar? Thats right, everybody's favorite tall, muscular, Bald guy. Rude.

Now Rude knows the value of money, so unlike Reno, he doesn't spend all his money on Hair care products, because, well, he's bald, nobody knows if he shaves it to look like a bad mo' fo' , or wether he's just really bald, asking him about it, is just like asking a Homeless person last changed their underwear, it's just something you really shouldn't be asking about, and the fact that he'd probably pummel you into a bloody pulp just for saying 'bald' in his presence.

Anyway, as I was saying, Rude knows the value of money, so unlike Reno, he spends his money on really expensive, custom made shoes, the kind of shoes that if you saw them on the street, you'd think "Wow, those are really nice shoes." But they aren't just shoes, oh no, these shoes have Missile Launchers built in, and they're bullet proof too, so if he ever gets held at gunpoint, he can blow them up with his shoes. But he doesn't spend all his cash on shoes, nope, he also buys really expensive custom Sunglasses, suits, really cool looking guns and over-the-top Cars. Yes, Rude is a Bad boy playa'. But thats not the point, the rest of his money goes on booze, for himself, Reno and the Ladies.

So, you have probably guessed by now, that the Turks like to spend money, I won't go into Tseng or Elena, because I don't wanna, and they aren't in this story anyway, but I will tell you that Tseng has lots of Hair related products.

Anyway, you're probably wondering 'Why's he going on about how friggin' loaded the Turks are!' Well, it has alot to do with the plot actually.

You see, it all started a week ago...

Reno was in Rude's Apartment, sleeping, after a night of partying, and was lying in the bathtub, for some strange reason.

Anyway, here he was, sleeping in what looked like a very uncomfortable position, now according to the alarm clock, - - that was, for some reason, mounted on the wall, above the large mirror - - it was 8:30AM, which in Reno's world, was like 5:00AM, you see, Reno wasn't a morning person, and in-fact, he was very lazy, especially when it came to work, even more so for paperwork, which for some reason, they needed to do after they'd killed somebody, I mean, why would you keep records of your assassins kills? ShinRa sure is Coo-Coo...

So, here was Reno, happily sleeping in the tub, that was until a short, brown haired woman in a cleaners outfit walked in, now, this woman didn't speak a word of English, instead, she spoke Spanish, you'd wonder why Rude would hire somebody like that wouldn't you? Well you see, Rude spent alot of time in Costa Del Sol, while he was there, he learnt the native language and also picked up a killer sun-tan, so killer, that people think he's actually black, but we all know thats just stupid, because he doesn't use words like 'foo' or stuff Barett would say in one of those over the top FanFics he stars in.

Anyway, back to the woman, as she walked into the room, she began dusting the walls, why you ask, when she did it yesterday, and the days before? Hell, even I dunno. But she did, and she did a damn good job at it! So, when the Cleaner got up to the bathtub, she stopped, and stared at the Turk, unsure of what to do, she shook him awake. Now Reno, not being a Morning person, thought it was his alarm clock, and as a result, did what he normally did, that was smashing his Electro-Mag-Rod down on the cause of his annoyance, the woman slumped to the ground in Pain, and Rude -- who was already awake and working out, -- hearing the noise, rushed into the room.

"Reno what the hell?" The big guy shouted as he rushed over to his fallen Cleaner.

Ten minutes later and Maria Antonio Sherbet Gonzalez the Third, was up and about screaming and shouting at Rude, when she stopped, Reno looked up at him, expecting a translation.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did she say?"

"Oh... Erm, she says she's suing us." Rude answered and absently rubbed the back of his neck, wondering why he was getting sued when it was Reno's doing and why they didn't just kill the cleaner and be done with it.

"So it took her five minutes of constant babbling to say that?"

"... It's a unique language... Don't be ignorant."

And with that, the short cleaner pouted and stormed out.

A/N: Is Rude bald or shaven? Why is this chapter so short? Will Tseng and Elena get a cameo? What's gonna happen next? Why was Reno in the bath tub? Will I actually continue this fic? And why the hell am I asking all these questions?

All these questions will be answered in the next chapter of Turk Olympics, well, maybe not all, but be sure to check anyway.


	2. A Trip To The Trail

Six days after the 'incident', and our red haired Hero was again in Rude's bathroom, but this time it wasn't nap-time, no, this time it was dye-time, Reno was always punctual when it came to his appearance, and the fact that the Trail was today made him get up an hour earlier than he normally would, so he could do his morning routine with plenty of time.

"War, huh, yeah, what is it good for! Absolutely nothin'!" Reno sang out of tune, to the song that was playing on his iBob, he looked at himself in the mirror and struck a pose. "You are one sexy beast Reno!" He said to himself as he pulled out a hairdryer, why did Rude have a hairdryer? Hell I don't know, thats why I'm asking you.

So here was Reno, hairdryer in hand, he flipped on the switch. Nothing happened. He flipped it a couple more times. Still nothing happened, then he realized that he hadn't plugged it in yet. "Duh." He said to himself and grabbed the plug, he spun it around his hand while he searched for a plug socket, but, this being a bathroom, there wasn't one. "Looks like there isn't one in here... Ah, I know for a fact Rude has one in his room!"

So our red haired Hero set out on a great journey, to find a plug socket to power his hairdryer. Now, as you may have guessed, the journey wasn't so great, as it was like a minute walk to Rude's bedroom, but, as Reno opened the door, he gasped, cue dramatic music .

Despite seeing this room pretty much everyday, it still shocked him. What he saw was a wasteland, moldy old socks, pizza boxes, really cool looking guns, and what looked like frogs littered the floor, there were other, not so pleasant things there too. But, frogs? Why the hell where frogs there? Reno didn't know, and to be honest, he really didn't wanna know. He left the room, and decided he would needs supplies for his 'great' journey. And he also needed to get revenge on Rude for having an unclean room, despite the fact that it was Reno's fault the cleaner was gone and was now suing them.

So he decided set out on another journey, which will be now known as: 'The journey to get things for the great journey'. So Reno, still with wet hair, rushed out of the apartment and to the nearest shop, but, in his hurry, he didn't realize the door was locked, and collided with it.

Ten minutes later, and Reno was in a supermarket, - - despite the fact that it was more like a really big store than a market, and it wasn't that super either... - - anyway, here he was, in the store, with a bruised nose, searching for supplies for his 'great journey'. As he walked around the shop, who should he bump into, but Rufus and Elena.

"Ah! Reno! What are you doing here! This isn't what it looks like!" Rufus screamed, causing everyone in the store to look at him, in his hands was a lacy black bra, his face was as bright as a... Erm... I dunno... Just think of something that's really red, then multiply it a few times and it wouldn't come close to the color of Rufus' face.

"Uh... Is that a bra, Rufus?" Reno asked as he wondered why the Vice President of ShinRa was holding a lacy bra.

"No! No, no, no! It's not what you think! You see... Erm... It's Elena's! Yeah! She wanted to shop for bra's-" Rufus screamed again, but was cut of by a HARD slap.

"No it's not you little perv! Your the one that-" Elena was now silenced as a hand clamped over her mouth.

"Shh! Shut up Turk!-.. It's for my... Mother!" Rufus screamed again.

"Uh, sir, your mother died... Quite a while ago..." Reno pointed out.

"Erm... We gotta go!" Rufus shouted, then rushed of, his hand still over Elena's mouth. They were stopped by an overweight security guard though, as the alarm went of.

"Sir, your gonna have to come with me to the back."

"Do you have any idea who I am!"

"No, sir, should I?"

"I'm Vice President, Rufus J. ShinRa! I will not be denied a bra!" Rufus screamed, boy this kid likes to scream...

"Sure, and I'm a Dog."

"Then be a good boy and sit, little doggy!"

"Why I oughta!" The guard said, and dragged the two blondes away.

Reno shrugged, like this kind of thing happened everyday, mainly because it did.

Wavy flashback sound effects

Reno and Rude were walking along the Executive floor, in a lengthy discussion on wether Tifa Lockharts boobs where real or not, - -Yes, Rude does speak, just not as much when his enemies are around - - when they heard strange noises as they passed Rufus office, now, this wasn't a normal strange sound, no, this sounded like flesh hitting flesh. The guys stopped walking and talking and waited for a second. Sure enough, the noises sounded again, the Turks, fearing it was some Wutanesse assassin, intent on messing up Rufus' hair, burst into the office, and their jaws hit the floor.

Palmer, Heidegger and Rufus were chasing each other around the office. In woman's underwear. Giggling.

They stopped and looked at the Turks.

"It's not what it looks like!"

"Lard?"

"Tell anyone and I'll fire you two!"

Thats what they all shouted, well, squeaked.

End wavy flashback sound effects

Reno shuddered and continued on, looking for supplies, and who does he bump into, but Avalanche.

Cloud was pushing along a cart of hair gel.

Barret was dressed in a doctors outfit.

Yuffie had a large piece of melting chocolate stuck down her shorts, which she was obviously stealing.

Aeris... Was groaning like a zombie.

Cait Sith was dancing.

Nanaki was licking... Something...

Cid was having a one sided conversation with Tifa's Breasts.

And Tifa, she was just... There...

Reno decided to skip that aisle and move onto the next.

Which happened to be full of wigs.

Reno smiled wickedly as he picked up a huge afro and a packet of glue.

An half hour later and our Hero was outside Rude's bedroom door, a large backpack on his back, full of camping gear and supplies, he pushed open the door and stepped in.

**At the Trail...**

Our two hero's were now inside a courthouse, Rude was donning a huge, multicolor afro, which was super-glued to his scalp, courtesy of Reno. The bug guy wasn't mad, well, not too mad, it was good to finally have a full head of hair again, even if it was the fake, multicolor kind.

Yes, Rude did have hair at one point, that was until he started growing a bald spot, so he decided to shave it all of and be done with it.

So, here they where, or, there he was, Reno had gone to the toilet. Anyway, here was Rude, waiting for his friend and the judge, he glanced over at the Cleaning Lady, - - Maria Antonio Sherbet Gonzalez the Third - - and shook his head, why was he being sued? Well, if he wasn't, it would just be about Reno, and Rude doesn't get enough love, so here he is.

The judge entered suddenly, a man called out; "All rise for the honorable judge Judy."

Everyone stood up.

"All be seated."

Everyone sat down.

The doors banged open all of a sudden, and Reno strolled in, everyone started murmuring to themselves.

"Order! Order in the court!" Judge Judy shouted.

"Order? Oh! I'll have a cheeseburger and a side order of fries!"

"Mr... Nevada? Take a seat and shut it." Reno sighed, looks like he wasn't gonna get any grub soon, he walked over to Rude and took a seat.

"Maria Antonio Sherbet Gonzalez the Third, is suing you for thirty million dollars, I find you guilty, next case." The judge said in a bored tone.

"Wait, don't we get to defend ourselves!" Shouted Reno.

"If you did, this story would be boring, so no, next case."

"Ah well, at-least I tried. Come on, lets go get a drink Rude."

"We can't." Rude said as they walked from the building.

"Why?"

"Because we don't have no money, we're broke Reno."

"Damn... I guess we need some money then..." Reno replied as he pulled a newspaper out of nowhere. "Hey! I got an idea!"

"No."

"Wait, you haven't even heard the idea yet!

"All your plans are stupid, and end up embarrassing us, so no, I'm gonna wait for my next pay check."

"But our pays been docked for the next year, to help pay of the lawyer! Just here my plan out!"

"Fine."

"We take part in the old guy Olympics! All we gotta do is dress up in old guy clothes and develop a pretend limp, then when we're in the comp, we'll win for sure, it's perfect! And the prize money is ten grand!"

"Reno, how old are you?"

"Twenty one. Why?"

"I'm twenty, I know nothing of acting like an old man."

"Thats ok, we can get our parents to help us!"

"No, I refuse to compete against old people, it's wrong and stupid."

"Aw, is Rudey-Poo scared of loosing to the old folks?"

"I hate you, Reno."

A/N: Dun, Dun, Dun! The plot is shaping up and I leave you with a cliff hanger! Sort of... Thank all you great people for reviewing and/or emailing me! I'm really grateful! And thanks to Jessica for pointing out that typo!

Now, the questions...

Why was Rufus holding that Bra? Is Reno, really such a bad singer? Will Rude keep his Afro? Will the Turks be able to win the money? What will Reno do without his Hair gel and dye? Should 'Dr. Barett' make another appearance? Will Tseng help out? Will Avalanche find out about the Turks plan and set out to stop them?

All these questions and more will by answered next time, when the Turks seek help from their Parents in being 'old', in Turk Olympics, chapter three, 'Land Of The Old'!


	3. Land of the Old

"I can't believe you talked me into this..."

"Quit whining! Your a Turk, act like one!"

"Yeah... I'm sure asking my parents how to be old, is real Turk-like... Idiot..."

"Well, my mother is like... Fifty or something... So she's not gonna be any help..."

"You don't think fifty's old?"

"Well... No... Tseng's like fifty, or sixty or something..."

"Tseng is in his thirties."

"How old Tseng is, isn't the point here!"

"No, the point is, if I have to do this, then so do you."

"Fine..."

So, after their little argument, the Turks... Or at-least, two of the Turks, set out to Rude's Parents house. Which was in Junon. So it took a while to get there on foot, seeing as how their cars had been confiscated, along with Rude's really nice shoes that had missile launchers in them and Reno's Hair products and silk shirts.

On the way, they overcame great obstacles, such as frogs, that when they hit you, make you turn into frogs and the very fearsome, but overlay weak, Midgar Zolom, why was it called a Midgar Zolom when it was nowhere near Midgar? Well, thats a story for another time. Anyway, they killed everything in sight, but, unbeknownst to the two Turks though, was that a sneaky little midget ninja was following them in the shadows, despite the fact that is was sunny, and their weren't any shadows.

When they reached the halfway line, known as the Mythril Mines, they heard a voice.

"Just a second!"

"Who are you?" Reno asked as he looked up and saw a burly man with a bald head and sunglasses, looking strangely like Rude.

"Do you know who I am?" The mystery man asked.

"Uh... Thats what we just asked..." Rude said.

"Quiet you!" The figure shouted.

"From the debt collectors, right?" Reno asked, noticed the Repo man suit in the low light.

"Well if you know, then this won't take long. It's difficult to explain what the Repo Men do..."

"Kidnapping belongings, right?" Reno asked, feeling a strange sense of Deja Vu...

"To put it negatively... you could say that. ... But, that's not all there is to it, anymore. ... ..." The Repo guy replied, and did that same 'dot, dot, dot' thing as Rude.

"Sir! It's all right, Prude! I know you don't like speeches, so don't force it!" Shouted a short woman, looking alot like Elena.

"... Then Helena, explain."

"I'm the newest member of the Repo Men, Helena. Thanks to what you did to Leno, we're short of people... Although, because of that, I got promoted to the Repo Men... In any case, our job is to find out where Jephiroth is headed. And to try and step you every step of the way. Wait a minute, it's the other way around... You're the ones that are getting in our way."

"Who the hell are Leno and Jephiroth?" Reno asked, confused out of his head.

"... Helena. You talk too much." Stated another Repo man, this one had long black hair and looked like he was from Wutai.

"Sorry... Twang." Helena said and bowed her head.

"No need to tell them about our orders. Now go. Don't forget to file your report." Twang ordered.

"Oh! Right! Very well, Prude and I will go after Jephiroth, who's heading for Junon Harbor!'" Helena Shouted, then started to skip to the exit.

"... Helena. You don't seem to understand."

"Oh! I'm, I'm sorry..."

"... Go. Don't let Jephiroth get away."

"Yes sir!" Prude and Helena shouted, then exited the cavern. Prude came in a second later.

"... Leno said he wanted to see you after the injuries you gave him healed. He wants to show his affection for you all... with a new weapon." He said, then left again.

"Well, then... Where's Aerith? She's not with you?"

"Erm... Aerith was never with us. She's like dead and zombie like, yo..."

"Oh... Then give her my regards." Twang said, then moon-walked out after his comrades.

"Well... There's something you don't see everyday..."

"Wonder who Jephiroth is? Or what the hell those guys where going on about?"

"You said it man."

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, Rude!"

"Yeah? Well your feet smell worse!"

"Really? Ok then, I'm sorry for all those nasty things I said too!"

Not that the... Conversation? Was over, the Turks carried on out of the cave and into Junon.

"So, where do your folks live Rude?"

"Upper Junon, eh?"

"Man stop that 'dot, dot, dot' thing, it's annoying me!"

"You do realize that I wasn't saying anything?"

"Yeah, I like fire engines too, but we got a mission to do."

"Are you just pretending that I'm talking to you?"

"Yeah, tacos are real yummy!"

"Thought so..." With that, Rude tossed Reno on his shoulder and walked to his parents house.

**Ten Minutes Later**

Rude stood next to Reno in-front of a nice little cottage on the outskirts of Junon, Rude took a deep breathe and raised his hand to knock.

"Come on man, it's freezing out here! Just knock already!"

"You've never met my parents, have you?"

"I don't think so, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Ok, there's something you need to know... My family is... Unique... If you see anything strange... Just... Don't say anything..."

"Don't say anything? Got it! Just knock already, I wanna meet em!" Reno almost shouted, and hopped from foot to foot, like an eager child.

"Ok-" Rude was cut of as the door slammed open and a knife wielding woman charged forward at the two Turks, Reno and Rude acted immediately, knocking the knives away and both delivering a kick to the weapon's master, the figure fell to the floor and the Turks got into their fighting stances, just as they heard a shotgun cock.

"Rudolph?" The small man who was holding the shotgun asked, in an over the top, Italian accent.

"Hey pops..."

"Whadda' ya doin', hittin' ya lil' sista like dat, ah?" 'Pops' said as he pulled up a Teenage-looking girl.

"Er... Sorry Jinni..." Rude said, and looked to the ground.

"Rude, you have a sister? A cute sister?" Reno asked, giving a flirty smile to the young girl.

"You still hit like a bitch Rude, and who's this shit head?"

"... Yeah, sure do... And this is Reno, Reno, meet Jinni..."

"Shit head! Who the hell do you-" Reno was shut up as Rude's large hand clamped over his mouth.

"Erm... Just ignore him... He's... Special..." Rude said with a nervous chuckle at the end. "You still kept my room Pops?"

**Another Ten Minutes Later**

"So let me get this right... Your Dad is a Midget, Junon Mafia Don, who has a knack for shooting peoples knee caps for not paying protection fees?"

"Ex, Mafia Don... He still likes to shoot people though... And he's not a midget... He's just... Short..."

"Right, so anyway, your Dad's a violent midget nut-ball, your Sister likes swearing and sharp pointy things... And your Mum... Hmm, I haven't met her yet, what's she like?"

"She... Erm... She's tall..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well... Have you noticed how all of the door frames are high up?"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"My mother has to duck under them, so she doesn't hit her head."

"But they're like seven foot high!"

"Seriously, I mean, that's massive! I bet your dad has to climb a ladder just to kiss her!"

"Your an idiot, Reno..."

"Yo, what's that supposed to mean?"

"... I'm going to go and talk to my old man, stay here, in my room..."

"This is your room?"

"Yes... What's wrong with it?"

"It's... Pink..."

"What's wrong with pink?"

Reno tried his best to stifle his laughter, resulting in a very strange noise.

Rude's eyebrow arched, then twitched in frustration, he sighed then exited the room.

A/N: Sorry about the extremely long delay on this update! Lack of ideas, time and internet caused it. I wanted to make this chapter enjoyable, for you guys, but personally, I think it's missing something, I dunno, I might re-write it, tell me what you think anyway.

And now, for the regular interactive part of the fic (sort of), the questions!

Who was the sneaky little midget ninja? Will Reno be able to dye his hair red again, before anybody finds out his horrible secret? Why is Rude's room pink? What have the Debt Collectors and Jephiroth got to do with anything? Will Tseng and Elena actually make an appearance next time? Are the Debt Collectors cheap knock offs of the Turks? Is Rude's mother really tall? Will Reno find any interesting items while he's alone in Rude's room? And can Cid talk once sentence without swearing?

All these questions and more will probably not be answered next time, when the Turks have a surprise guest, during their 'Old training', in Turk Olympics, Chapter four, 'Dribbling down the road'.


	4. Teenage Miget Ninja Heros

I was contacted recently, by some guy's in blue suits, they work for Square-Enix, and told me I should add a disclaimer to the beginning of my chapters, or they'll cut my toenails... With a chain-saw.

Not really, but I figured we could have some more fun torturing the Turks, so from now on, there's gonna be two interactive bits to the Turk Olympics, the Questions, and the torture scene... Erm... Disclaimer... Hehe, be sure to review, and tell me ways I could use, to make the Turks talk, and if I like your idea, it'll appear at the beginning of the chapters.

Now Reno, will you say the disclaimer, pretty please?

Reno: No! Your making me look like an idiot, I refuse to have anything to do with this work of fan material!

Thank you Reno.

Reno: Wait, what! That doesn't count!

Yes it does, now, on with the fiction...

Pink...

It surrounded him, like darkness does to a guy in a closet.

He started to feel slightly intimidated.

_Dammit, your a Turk Reno, don't tell me your scared of Rude's pink fluffy room!_

"Fluffy?" Reno said out-loud, he looked around and over to the bed, sure enough, there bed was covered in fluffy things, what caught his attention though, was a blue teddy bear, he walked over and picked it up, it's shirt had a name embossed into it.

"Hehe, this can't be real, no way Rude has a teddy bear called-..."

**Downstairs...**

"Hey pops." Rude said, as he walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, it'sa little Rudy, whose thata' guy with da red haira'?" 'Pops' Jacques replied as he turned around.

"It's my partner... No, not that kind... We're bodyguards..."

"It'sa okay, I know about da Turks, ya made me a proud!"

"There is a reason we came though pops... We need your help..."

"You gotta yourself into trouble, huh?"

"Sort of... You see... Reno kind of assaulted my maid... Then she sued us... So we're broke..."

"So, you need a money, huh?"

"No! Listen, I'm not here for money pops... Reno decided that we're gonna enter the Old Guy Olympics... That's were you come in..."

**A Couple of Minutes Later...**

"And don't you a come back here again!" Pops shouted as he threw Reno and Rude out of his cottage and slammed the door shut.

"I told you this was a bad idea..."

"Yeah, yeah, how was I to know that your Dad would go berserk once you mentioned the word 'old'? At least I don't have a teddy bear called-..."

"Shut up! You leave the bear out of this."

"Hehe! Wait till Tseng here's about this! And that Tifa chick!"

"Don't you dare mention Mr.-" Rude was cut of as his PHS went of, he quickly whipped it out and answered it.

"Rude... Yes sir... Junon... We'll be back as soon as we can, sir..."

"What did Tseng want this time?"

**Back At Midgar...**

Tseng stood in his office, he placed his phone back in his pocket, and looked to his window. His nose wrinkled as he sniffed up.

_I really need some deodorant... Maybe an air freshener too... And a Chocoburger would go down a treat right now... _Tseng thought to himself, he pulled out his PHS again and dialed in a number.

_Ring Ring..._

"Elena here..."

"Elena, it's Tseng, I need you to do a very important mission..."

"Anything! You name it, and I'll do it!" (A/N: You people have dirty minds, if your thinking what I think your thinking...)

"Go to Kentucky Fried Chocobo™ , and get me a Chocoburger... Hold the sauce."

Two thoughts ran through Elena's mind.

_Oh my god, he wants me to do a mission, I won't fail! _

And

_Oh my god, he's so lazy!_

Regardless though, Elena snapped her phone shut and rushed to the Turk-mobile.

**The Seventh Heaven Bar...**

In another part of Midgar, the members of Avalanche were gathered in Tifa's pub, after just arriving back from their shopping trip.

Cloud was out back, helping the delivery men to unload his hair products.

Aeris was chomping on Marlene. While the little girl giggled.

Dr Barett was giving Nanaki an injection.

Tifa's breasts and Cid were having a lengthy discussion on UFOs.

While Vincent threw darts at the back of Aeris' head.

Yuffie suddenly burst into the room, screaming something about Turks and old men.

"Yuffie? What did you find out?"

"Your not gonna believe it!" She panted. Mind you, running from Midgar to Junon and back again tends to make you tired.

"What?" Everybody turned to face Yuffie and Tifa now... Well... Most of them... Erm... One of them... Vincent didn't actually give a damn. Nanaki was out cold, Aeris was choking on Marlene's hand, if a dead person can mind you... Anyway, Cloud was out back, and Tifa's breasts and Cid were still talking...

So Tifa and Dr Barett waited for Yuffie to answer.

"TheTurksareenteringtheoldmenOlympicsinordertowinsomemoneytopayfortheirlaywersandstuffbecauseRenohitRudesmaidandshesuedthemOMGWTFBBQ!1!LOL!1!" Yuffie screamed at the top of her lungs, as quick as she could. As you could guess, her shouting made everybody look at her, and in unison, say "Huh?"

Yuffie huffed, "I said, 'TheTurksareenteringtheoldmenOlympicsinordertowinsomemoneytopayfortheirlaywersandstuffbecauseRenohitRudesmaidandshesuedthemOMGWTFBBQ!1!LOL!1!' "

"O-Kay..." Everybody said in their own words.

"So what are we gonna do about it?" The bratty midget teenage ninja asked.

**Junon...**

"Wow, so that's what those repo guys were talking about... I could have sworn they took all our stuff already, who'd have known they'd take his stuff too?"

"He said that he fought a blue haired man, and beat him senseless... With a chocolate bar..."

"That's why he's the boss man, yo!"

"Yeah, I've noticed that too."

"Your right, I've never once heard him speak without his phone... Hmm..."

"Reno... Just be quiet... We need to get back to Midgar..."

**Back At The Bar...**

"So, it's agreed then, seeing as Vincent is over fifty seven years old, Dr. Barett's forty something, and I have nothing better to do, we're going to stop the Turks."

"But Tifa! Why can't I help!" Yuffie whined.

"Because your too hyper." Tifa replied to the little ninja.

"Discrimination! Discrimination!" The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle... Er... The Teenage Midget Ninja Hero screamed.

"I want no part of this..." Vincent suddenly spoke up, causing everybody to look at the ex-Turk. "What? Do I have something on my face? Is it a spot? It's not a spot right? Because if it is..." The gothic ex-Turk began to panic, I mean, who wouldn't, spots are very serious things, especially for somebody who can't walk a few feet without being swamped by fan-girls, and the occasional fan-boy.

"Well... That was strange... Anyway, Barett, lets go, the Olympics start in five days, we've got alot of planning to do!" Tifa said, as Vincent ran of to his bedroom.

**Cueball's notes begin:**

Not alot to say about this one, rush job really, just wanted to update it, and where I left it of last time wasn't the best place to continue, I promise to do better next chapter.

The reason for the long delay?

Well, there's multiple reasons, for one, I was on holiday, three weeks in Black-pool (big seaside resort to those not familiar with English towns/cities/villages, think of Florida, only colder, less sunny, and not as big, and more Bed and Breakfasts.) Great night life up there, to anybody's thats thinking of going.

Anyway, thats the main reason, but there are others, for example, work, parties, college, lack of ideas... Etc... I'm not gonna make excuses, I was busy... Right now though, hopefully I'm not gonna be as busy, but what with Christmas and New Years coming up, I can't exactly make any promises...

So yeah, the questions:

What's Rude's teddy really called? What have Tifa and Dr. Barett got up their sleeves? Will Tseng join his Turks in their dastardly scheme? Why did take away my option to talk to reviewers? Will I ever finished this story? And is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?


	5. Teresa Green?

Welcome to another edition of Turk Olympics... In this episode, we look at the effect Mary Sues have on Turks... But first, we need a disclaimer, now, my assistant here:

Points to pink haired woman, dressed in a bunny suit

Teresa Green: Hi!

Will be helping me in getting the Turks to talk... Any ideas Teresa?

Teresa: Why don't we tickle them into submission?

As you can see, Mary Sues are idiots, and as you should know by now, idiots are fun to make fun of... Anyway, lets get down to the disclaimer, according to the reviews, Nando King wants:

Nando: For the torture, you could threaten to force them to read a lemon starring Red XI, but that might be too inhumane.

Gah! Have a heart man!

Teresa: Think of the children! Why god won't you think of the children!

Erm... Anyway, anymore ideas?

Cyraxis: DON'T say a disclaimer if you think that Tony Blair/ Patrick Moore/ some person of equivalent unattractiveness, is sexy!

Teresa: Isn't that the guy that runs that small country? And that other guy, isn't he that guy that hosts that space program?

Well, this is getting kinda long, so... Elena, how's it goin? Fancy saying the disclaimer?

Rude: We sold Elena to Corneo for gas money...

What about Tseng?

Rude: Fighting with Twang... Go Twang! Erm... I mean... Go Tseng!

And Reno?

Rude: Dying his hair... Again...

Hn... Well, remember that deal we talked about?

Rude: The one with the...?

Yeah, thats the one...

Rude: Heh, okay then... Cueball doesn't own the characters used in this story... Or a motorbike... Or those socks... He's a trainee, go easy on him... What he does own though, is the idea for this story... Good enough?

Yeah, I'll wire that money to your swiss account...

Rude: Excellent...

Cait Sith: PIE!

Anyway, on with the story, enjoy:

**Just Past The Mythril Mines...**

Reno groaned as he pulled his foot out of yet another particularly deep patch of swamp mud, he looked to his bald friend, who, despite taking the same path as himself, was practically spotless.

"This sucks yo..." He said, and looked back to the path.

"..." Rude replied, as he stepped onto a rock.

"Yeah, I wish I had a Jet-bike too, but life's a witch and then you fly... Wait, that doesn't sound right..."

**Two Hours Later...**

"Reno, Rude, take a seat please." Tseng spoke into his phone, from behind his desk, the two Turks, who were also holding phones, nodded, and sat. "Now then, good evening Turks."

"Good evening Charlie... Er... Tseng..." The two replied in unison, speaking into their own phones, despite the fact that they were barely a couple of feet from their leader.

"Ahem, now that the copyright infringement is out of the way, let's move onto business... To recap what has happened over recent chapters, Reno, you attacked Rude's maid, who ended up suing you both for all of your money, then, in an attempt to get the rest of the money to pay for the lawyers costs, and to buy back your stuff, your both entering the Olympics... Sorry, the Old Person Olympics... And right now, correct me if I'm wrong, but your looking for an instructor, to teach you how to pass off as being old?"

"That about sums up everything that's happened, except you forgot to mention that Rude has a teddy-bear called 'Mister Sergeant Snuggles McMuffin'." Reno spoke into his phone, and sniggered as Rude's face reddened.

"Regardless of the fact that Rude has a teddy bear with such a linear name... We still-..." Tseng was cut of as Rude chose to speak up.

"I'll have you know I was four and a half years old when I named him, and so what if I happen to sleep with him beside me... At-least I'm not short sighted, like somebody in this room, who happens to have red hair."

"Yo! It's a genetic problem! I don't see the problem of wearing those glasses, if it stops me from running into a pole!"

"Those glasses weigh more than you do! The glass is so thick, you could cut it up, and use them to re-glaze the whole Shinra building, and still have more left over!"

"Gentlemen-"

"Yeah! Well yo momma so old, she owes the Ancients five gil!"

"So you wanna go into momma jokes, eh? Well your mother is so fat, when she go's out in a yellow raincoat, people yell taxi!"

"ENOUGH!" A new voice shouted from behind Tseng. The three Turks jumped from their seats, and turned to look at the new arrival. It was a short, petite woman, dressed in a blue suit, in her early twenties, short pink hair framed her face, and eyes shone a deadly green.

"Ah, there you are Miss-..." Tseng was cut off, unsurprisingly, by one of his subordinates.

"Yo, who the hell are you! And why the hell are you jumping out of nowhere and interrupting one of our numerous, and sometimes funny arguments?" Reno screamed, er... Shouted... Cough...

"As I was _trying_ to say, before I was interrupted, you were both looking for an instructor, to teach you how to be old... Well, I'd like you both to meet Miss Teresa Green. Miss Green, meet my idiots... Erm, Employees..."

Reno smirked, one of those smirks that only a complete idiot could or should use.

Rude sighed, and pulled out a note book, the name tag reading: 'People that know about Mr. Sgt. Snuggles McMuffin and need to be dealt with'. The bald man jotted down three names.

Teresa looked bored.

"Now then, one last piece of useless information... I've found out, from a very good source, that Avalanche have found out about your plan, I don't know what they're planning, but you should all be extra vigilante."

"And what's this very good source?" Rude asked, eyebrow locked, cocked, and ready to rock.

"The script." Tseng replied simply. The Turks eyebrows shot up, and they scrambled over to their leader.

"No way! Let us look! Come on Tseng!"

"You can't." The leader replied.

"Why not?" Reno asked.

"..." Rude added.

"Yeah! What he said!" Teresa joined in, agreeing with Rude.

"I kinda... Shot it... A few hundred times... With a bazooka..."

Reno and Rude looked to each other, before diving at their leader, fists flying in all directions, Teresa's mouth dropped, and she jumped in, in an attempt to break it up.

A loud cough echoed throughout the room, and four pairs of eyes looked to it's source.

"Am I interrupting something?" Elena asked.

The four fighting figures, stood up, and readjusted their suits, trying to look as professional as possible.

"I got you that Chocoburger sir, no sauce... There was a cue if your wondering what took so long... And it was snowing... And that punk behind the counter kept looking at me funny..."

"You talk too much." Teresa stated.

"Who are you?" Elena asked.

"Teresa Green."

"Yes, trees are green, but I asked for your name, not random trivia."

"No, thats my name, Teresa Green."

"Your parents didn't like you much, eh?"

**Later, At Kentucky Fried Chocobo's...**

"So, with the Olympics less than a week away, and you two being psychically fit, we've got alot of training to do, so that you don't look too out of place amongst the old people. Now, the first thing we've gotta work on, is your posture, Old people tend to slouch over alot, and walk slow, mostly due to hip replacements, or the fact that they're just generally slow. To demonstrate this, I want you both to eat twenty Chocoburger's. Your stomach will bloat, and you will feel sick... Hopefully... Anyway, once your done, you should feel sick, and thus hunch over, this emulates the slouching... When you rush to the toilet to throw up, I want you to walk extremely slowly, and stop every couple of feet, to swallow any sick in the back of your throat. This will emulate the slowness of old people. Now gentlemen, eat up."

The two Turks looked at each other, and shrugged, before turning to the Burgers, and beginning their feast.

"So, Old coaching huh...? I can't imagine that being a very popular service, do you get alot of customers?" Rude asked, before taking a large chunk out of his burger.

"You'd be surprised, there's alot of Actors, Mad Scientists, Terrorists and the like that are interested in learning how to emulate being old, to be honest, I was thinking of quitting this profession and becoming a Vet, but as soon as the Old Peoples Olympics was announced on TV, business boomed... I wouldn't be surprised if there were other people entering, in an attempt to win all that money..."

By the time Teresa had finished her sentence, Rude was on his fourth burger, and Reno was on his Twelfth.

"You like to say 'emulate' don't you?" Reno more stated, than asked.

"You try thinking of an alternate word..."

"What about... Pretend... Or, erm... Wow... It's harder than you think..."

"Wait... A moment ago, you said you've coached Mad Scientists and Terrorists? What were there names?"

"Well, like I said, business boomed, so I hired a couple of Employees... I sent one of them to go and teach a Professor... Hojo I think his name was... And then earlier today, I got two cases, one of them was teaching you guys, the other was for somebody named... Barett? I think he said he was a Doctor too... So I sent my second in command to teach him."

"I could have sworn we know somebody called Barett..." Reno said, and took a sip of his coke.

"Maybe he's related to that Dr. Barett guy outta Avalanche..." Rude added, and bit into his seventh burger. "But Professor Hojo... We should check that out tomorrow..."

**The Seventh Heaven Bar... Thirty Minutes Ago...**

"Ok, my name is Ivan, and I'm going to be your Teacher of all things old... I'll take it your Dr. Barett?" Ivan said as he took Tifa's hand.

"No, I'm Tifa, he's Dr. Barett..." Tifa replied, and tilted her head in Dr. Barett's direction.

"Oh, my bad... My eyesight's not so good since I had my eyeballs roasted in a pigs intestine... What a fiasco that was..."

"Erm... Okay then..." The brunette gave her new instructor an odd look, before continuing. "Where do we start?"

"A wise man once said, 'Everybody must eat, including old people, to be as the old, you must eat as the old do..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dr. Barett asked.

"It means we're going to Kentucky Fried Chocobo..."

**Back To The Present...**

Reno was now on his Seventy Fifth Chocoburger... Rude was on his Fourteenth... And Teresa was on her seventh fingernail...

"So, there I was, on this dark Highway, hanging from a helicopter, above an eighteen wheeled truck that had just been stolen from a high security nuclear testing facility, onboard it where super secret, highly classified Garden Gnomes, so anyway, I drop onto it's roof, and then, from out of nowhere pops..." Reno stopped his story as he turned to look at whoever had just entered the KFC. "Avalanche?" He asked.

Rude, who hadn't been paying much attention to Reno's story... --Particularly because he was there at the time... And the Garden Gnomes weren't highly classified, super secret weapons... They were just Garden Gnomes... And the Truck wasn't an eighteen wheeler... It was a mini-van... And it hadn't been stolen from a high security nuclear testing facility... It was just on it's way to drop of the Gnomes at the DIY store... Such is the life of a Turk, when alcohol is consumed in large amounts...--, suddenly perked up at the name of their enemies, he looked over to the doors, there was a young man, wearing thick glasses, greasy hair, and a pair of pants that looked like they came of an action man. Behind him was a bigger man, donning a huge afro and Doctors coat... Nothing odd so far... But the last person to enter caught the Turks attention.

Wine colored eyes, dark hair, white tank top and black miniskirt, held up by a pair of suspenders... Rude's eyes, though hidden by his glasses, turned into gigantic cartoony love hearts...

Teresa looked at Rude, who hadn't moved for a couple of minutes, she looked to the red head, who shrugged and bit into another burger. The Teacher of Old suddenly got a bright idea. Her finger raised, and moved forward, connecting with the bald mans head. Rude didn't move.

"Is he okay?"

"Rude? Yeah, he's always like this when what's-her-name shows up..."

Dun... Dun... Dun!

Cueball's Notes begin...

I enjoyed this one... I think I've got my mojo back, this chapter was written in about three days, which will probably mean nothing to you guys, but by my standards, thats fast, and, if I can keep up, that means I'll hopefully be able to get two chapters a week, seeing as I only get the chance to use the internet on Saturdays though, that should mean you get a double update each week... No promises though.

I think maybe I can get another five chapters out of this, or up to ten if I stretch it out... Not really sure... As you may have noticed, I like to write long chapters, which is why they take time... But there will be more, spin offs, maybe a sequel, and defiantly lots of merchandise, look out for cheap crappie toys of characters you love, comic books, bedding covers, slippers, even earrings, yep, I'm cashing in... Oh, and there's gonna be a film too, I've got Vin Diesel to play Rude, Jim Carry as Reno, and a midget in a costume to play Cait Sith.

Anyway, I read a fic recently, starring a Mary Sue, and I just had to write about it... This was gonna be like a zombie thing, only with Mary Sues... But you can all see that didn't happen... And yes, Teresa Green does have a silly name, but she's a Mary Sue, so it doesn't count...

To those new to the land of Fan-Fiction, a Mary Sue is a cheaply made character, which tends to fall for the hero of a story, and ends up making the story into a sappy romance thing... Is this a hint of things to come? Well... No, it's just a parody... To those that write Mary-Sues... Well, good luck with that...

Anybody that reviews... I'd like to wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year... To anybody that doesn't... Review or I'll poke you... That is all...

One last thing though, since I can't respond to reviews in my stories, thanks to somebody... Cough Admin Cough... Sorry, it's this cold weather, I'm starting to get a cough and cold... Anyway, you'll all be receiving a personal reply, you lucky, lucky people.

Onto the questions...

Which muffin is best, White, Brown, or Chocolate chip? Will Tseng's Chocoburger still be warm after two hours in the snow? Are there any similarities between Kentucky Fried Chicken and Kentucky Fried Chocobo? Why does Hojo want to know how to act old for? Was this chapter long enough? Is that a masked burglar behind you? Can Gnomes drive cars? Is Teresa Green really a professional? Who else will turn up in this story? If a train leaves Midgar at twelve o'clock and heads to Junon at four miles an hour, and a Train leaves junon ten minutes later, traveling toward Midgar with a speed of ten miles a minute, can a woodpecker make coffee? Is it physically possible for Rude's eyes to turn into bright pink love hearts? Is that enough Tseng and Elena for you people, or do you need more? Why do old people always call me 'sunny-jim'? And, if, by any chance, I decide to add a love element, who do you want it to be between?

All these questions and more, probably won't even be brought up again, when Teresa And The Turks Confront The Troublesome Twosome At KFC, next time, in Turk Olympics, Episode six ' Lefty Loosy, Righty Tighty'.


	6. Lefty Loosy, Righty Tighty

Teresa Green: Hi everybody! The boss isn't feeling so good at the moment, he ate too much over Christmas, and now he's stuffed... Get it? Stuffed...? You people are no fun... Anyway, the Boss is busy at the moment, so I'm gonna do the disclaimer thingy... How do we do this now...

Reno: You've gotta somehow convince one of us to say a disclaimer.

Teresa: What's a disclaimer?

Tseng: Like we'd fall for that.

Teresa: Dammit... Okay... I'll be right back... I erm... Left my house on... Fire...? Yeah!

Suddenly, the Author appears from thin air...

Sorry about the idiot, _somebody_ tied me up and left me in a swamp... Luckily I had a can of spinach handy...

Turks: Sorry Boss...

You will be... Anyway, what are we gonna do with you this time... How about I strip you all down and toss you to the fan-girls?

Elena: What about me?

Er... Fan-boys?

Turks: The horror!

Now then, be a good set of Turks, and say the disclaimer. Or else.

Turks: Cueball don't own nothing... And if you think he did, then your dumber than Rufus.

Rufus: I resent that.

Good for you... Now then... The chapter:

**Two Days Earlier... In A Dark Office...**

"So, the plan is working out?" A deep, booming voice, sounding something similar to Darth Vader... Only not...

"Yes Master... We will soon be in complete control over the Bra-Liens and their allies, the dreaded Pantie-talons... Early testing indicates that exposure to fat, middle-aged, balding men seems to do serious damage, Agents Palmer and Heidegger have reported that in order to win this war, we're going to need alot of money, the kind of money we could only get by winning some kind of competition, I suggest the-..." The second voice, more feminine than the first, was cut off, as a third one interrupted.

"Why are the lights off?" It said, and flicked a switch.

Suddenly illuminated, stood Scarlet and Reeve, and at the door, leaning casually was a nameless ShinRa Employee, the kind that always die at the beginning of a movie.

"What's going on in here?" He asked. The two Executives looked to each other, then to the Employee.

Two sets of bright red eyes flared...

**In Another Dark Office Of The ShinRa Building...**

Tseng sat behind his desk, typing slowly at his computer, he stopped, took a drink from his bottle of imported water, and set back to work.

He looked up at the ceiling, as it shuddered, and a blood curling scream rang out.

The leader of the Turks shrugged.

_Old Man ShinRa's probably getting his bikini line done..._

**Back To The Present... At Kentucky Fried Chocobo...**

"That's Ivan, my second in command..." Teresa said, as herself and the two Turks ducked under the table, watching their enemies from behind small fake-wooden seats.

"And thats Avalanche..." Reno replied, taking out his prized Betty... Betty the Mag Rod.

"...!" Rude added, eyes glowing like a bright pink neon light as he watched Tifa.

"Easy big guy... This could be a good opportunity for you two... Reno, what size are you?" Teresa asked, a sly grin itching at her mouth.

**In Another Part Of KFC...**

"Hi there! Can I take your order please?" A red headed, short, teenage girl asked, from behind the counter.

Dr. Barett looked to Tifa, then to Ivan.

"We'll take forty Chocoburger's please." Ivan spoke up.

"Forty?" Tifa and Dr. Barett spoke up as one.

"Would you like anything else with that?" The cashier asked.

"No, that will be fine, thank you."

"Why you orderin' forty Chocoburger's for foo'!"

"You'll see."

"If you'd like to take a seat, we'll bring your order to you once it's done."

So, as one, the Avalanchers and Ivan walked over to a random table, which, just by chance, happened to be next to were the Turks where.

"You gonna tell us now sucka'?" Dr. Barett asked.

"Yes, of-coarse... What were we talking about again?"

"Why you ordered forty ChocoBurger's?" Tifa suggested, and looked to their new Instructor.

"I did? When?"

"Just a minute ago...?"

"Oh... One second..." Ivan said, and pulled out a small black book... "Here it is... 'Take Students to fast food joint in order to teach them how to be old... Bring money...' well, does that explain anything?"

"How does taking us to KFC teach us how to be-" Tifa was cut of, as another red headed worker interrupted.

"Hi there... My name is..." The red head looked down at his- erm... _Her_ name tag... Cough... "Helga... And I have some... Chips... For you?"

The twin tattooed cashier said, and grabbed a bag of french fries from a nearby table.

"We didn't order no chips foo'!" Dr. Barett shouted.

"Isn't Helga a girls name?" Tifa added.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean! You saying I'm not a lady? Cos I'm a lady alright! Do these breasts feel fake to you! Huh!" The crazy red head shouted, in a more than manly voice, as _she _grabbed hold of _her _obviously padded bra and shook... Now, if by chance you've ever cross dressed as a Lady, you would probably know that stuffing a bra full of potatoes, then shaking it wildly, isn't the best of ideas...

This is because the potatoes obviously fall out, which, just by chance, is what happened here...

Now, a six foot something red headed man, dressed as a woman and shaking his stuffed bosom at his enemy's isn't smart, but its funny...

"Hah!" Dr. Barett shouted, and chuckled, quickly joined by Ivan and Tifa.

Renaldo Nevada did the only thing he could in this situation... He ran away... Erm... Sorry, I meant to say, he made a 'Tactical Retreat'... Cough...

The red head made a sniffling sound as he ran through the door, followed by a pink haired woman, dragging a bald man by his ear.

**At Around The Same Time... In The ShinRa Building...**

Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart --If sometimes dumb-- Woman... She knew the basics of 'fight or flight'... She also knew something was going on in the ShinRa building.

The executives had all began to act strange over the past few days, even Tseng, in his Zen-Master style way, was acting off...

Apparently, according to a very good source --who happened to be that Secretary on the fifty second floor, that knew more about what was going on than the Turks did-- there was a bad infection going around, that made people go loopy.

And a couple of days ago, Reno and Rude had set off to join the old person Olympics...

If she was a conspiracy nut-ball --and I'm not saying she is--, then she'd probably figured out that there was more to this than just a virus... Or was it?

She didn't know, but she was going to find out...

And so, the small Turk-in-training jumped from her seat, and was about to storm out of her office, when she remembered one thing...

"I don't have a clue what I'm doing... Maybe I should come up with a plan..."

And so... The small Turk-in-training sat back down, took out a pen, and began to doodle...

"First, I'm gonna have to make a team, all good conspiracy films have a team... Then I'm gonna have to figure out what's actually going on in this building..."

**The Vice Presidents Office...**

"I've called you all here to go over the situation... Agent's Hojo and Scarlet have come up with a plan to win this war..." Rufus, now donning a pair of dark sunglasses, said from behind his desk.

"As I was saying to Agent Reeve the other day... We're going to need alot of money to win the war... I recently found out about a competition which happens to have alot of money on stake, just enough to help us... That's where Hojo comes in..." Agent Scarlet, also wearing a dark pair of sunglasses trailed off.

"Sir... I've hired a trainer to teach my latest experiment how to be old... I plan to enter it into this event, and win the money... However, it escaped... I've sent my best personnel to retrieve it..." Agent Hojo, surprise surprise, wearing a pair of dark shades continued.

"Excellent... But what about the Turks...?" Rufus asked, unsure on what was happening to the stars of the story.

"The Turks don't stand a chance... Reno and Rude are also entering the competition... Tseng is busy with paperwork... And the rookie is an idiot, they don't stand a chance..."

"Just one last thing... What have you named your new project Agent Hojo?"

"Project Jephiroth..."

DUN DUN DUN!

Cueball's notes begin:

Where to start with this one... Erm... I enjoyed most of it, the scene in KFC didn't go to plan, I wanted Helga... Erm... Reno... To get to talk to them more, and as a comedy bit, flirt with Dr. B... Don't look at me like that... I hate yaoi as much as the rest of you... But as you can see, it didn't work out... The rest is okay in my books though...

You may have noticed some links to previous chapters... Is this on purpose or accidental? Well, it's on purpose of coarse, I wanted to thicken the plot a little bit, and give Elena something to do, along with the Executives... Still gotta find something for Tseng to do though...

And yeah, not alot of Reno and Rude in this chapter, but this one was just mainly to add to the plot...

Thanks to Cyraxis for the idea of a side plot.

And if anybody's looking for a good story to read, be sure to check out Random Reno Fangirl 05's latest masterpiece, not sure on the title at this exact moment, but it's in my favorites list and in her profile.

And finally... The Questions...

Am I really gonna be writing Chapter seven next, or am I dreaming? Are the 'Agents' wearing the sunglasses to look cool, or to hide something? What'll happen to Tseng, Twang, Prude, Leno and Helena in future chapters? Does my butt look big in this? Can you say "Sam's suit shrank short, showing Sam's shivering legs in short cherry socks" quickly without messing up? Is Elena really a conspiracy nut-ball? Will Teresa and Vincent make a good couple? Is it really an infection, or something more sinister? Do you hate going to the Dentist more than me? Would it be considered cruel if I took Cait Sith's cape and crown and gave them Reno? Should the next Chapter be an interlude/side story, or a normal chapter?

All these questions and more, will be abducted by muffin wielding frogs, next time, when the Turks joke about dirty socks and Elena sets out to find a team, in Turk Olympics Chapter seven, 'Come One, Come all!'


	7. Come One, Come All!

No disclaimer this week... No good ideas, sorry guys!

* * *

0800 hours... In the Presidents Office of the ShinRa building... Elena is sat behind the Presidents desk, pen in hand...

To the right hand side of the blonde is sat Vincent Valentine... Why?

Well... Vincent decided to stop moping around in his coffin, and get a job... He's training to be a Turk... Again... And hell, why not?

To the left hand side of the Trainee, is sat a Chocobo... Why?

Well... It got stuck with community service... Damn speeding tickets...

In-front of the trio, is a stage.

All in all, it resembled an episode of Pop-Idol, the X-Factor, or whatever the hell they call that show these days.

"So, I said to him, 'yeah, I'm blonde, but at least I condition my hair!' and he's like 'I totally condition my hair!' and them I'm like 'oh yeah? Well what's with the split ends, sucka?' and he's all like 'no way you just went there!' and I'm like 'been there, took a photo and sent you a postcard!' and then he like, totally shut up." Babbled Elena.

"Wark!" Harked the Chocobo, using the miracle of science... And this handy translation software... What the Chocobo was actually saying was: "Please stop... Your hurting my ears..."

"I know! I totally showed him up!" Elena continued, unable to understand what the yellow speed devil was trying to say.

"Wark!" Translation: "Shut up or I'll peck your eyes out..."

"Somebody's here..." Vincent rather... Suddenly...? Spoke up.

"Really? How do you know? Is it some kind of super secret power that some mad Scientist gave you when he did some kind of weird experiment?" Elena asked.

"No... They're standing right there..." The Ex-Turk turned Turk-Trainee replied, and nodded to the door.

"Oh... Well, at-least somebody turned up, eh?" The Blond asked the Chocobo.

"Erm... Hello... I'm here for an interview..." The person said, and approached cautiously.

"Take a seat."

"Wark!"

The trio greeted...

"Okay."

"Now then... You do realize that this position will require you to be in dangerous situations? Potentially deadly, or worse."

"What could be worse than deadly?"

"Meeting Hojo."

"Wark!"

"Seeing Scarlet naked... Ew..."

"Okay then... I understand the dangerousness of the job..."

"Great, now then, lets start with your name." Elena said, and picked her pen up, ready for jotting down notes.

"My name is... Cloud Strife! Mercenary to the stars!" Cloud suddenly jumped up, slung his buster sword over his shoulder and held his thumb up, his teeth 'binged' as he grinned.

"That's great Mr. Strife, now then, can you name some of your most recent jobs?"

"Well... I killed Sephiroth... Defeated the Turks on numerous occasions... Watched my almost girlfriend be stabbed... Took my best friends identity... Went into space... Escaped from two separate Jails... Played countless mini-games... Bought a house in Costa Del Sol... Ruined Rufus' induction ceremony... Stole an airship..."

**Two Hours later...**

"Dressed as a woman... Survived the life-stream... Saved the world... And thats about it..."

"Wow... So nothing out of the ordinary then..." Elena said, as she rubbed the tiredness from her eyes.

"Wark!" The Chocobo, --who shall now be known as El Penguin'o, for some bizarre reason-- cried, as it pecked at Clouds eyes.

"Ah! Please stop! I need my eyes to see!"

"..." Vincent said, as he slept... Being in a coffin for thirty years can have good and bad affects you know... Good being that he didn't have to watch any boring sitcoms... Bad being that he was as pale as a piece of paper, as thin as one too, the people he was friends with were all old and wrinkly, and he didn't have alot of stamina, therefor he needed a nap every couple of hours... Basically, he was an old man, trapped in a young ones body.

Elena looked on with vague interest as El Penguin'o plucked one of Clouds eyes out, gobbled it down, and;

"Wark!" Translation: "Behold the mighty El Penguin'o! Phear me, or I shall pluck your eyes out!"

Yeah, Chocobish is a very unique language...

**Elsewhere...**

Reno was tired, that was a fact... He was pissed off, that was obvious... He was annoyed, that was clear... But he had a plan, that was sure...

It was almost completely forgotten about until last night... But now that Avalanche had embarrassed him again, it was time to even the score...

Four hundred gallons of rotten mayonnaise, a stolen fire-truck and a favor-owing-Turk were all that was needed for this ingenious plan...

But first he needed to change out of this bloody Kentucky Fried Chocobo outfit and these high heels... Although he did have to admit, the red, yellow and white attire really brought out the color of his eyes, and showed off his lean figure too...

"Reno, you've been walking around in circles for the past ten hours... Aren't you getting tired?" Teresa asked, as she watched the red head move above.

"I'm thinking, okay? I think best when I'm walking, and since I can't go out on the streets dressed like this, I've gotta work something out..."

"What are you thinking about, though?" Teresa continued.

"About what I'm gonna do... Since the repo men took all my stuff, I've got no clothes but the suit I was wearing... And that cursed author somehow forgot to explain what I did with it, so I've got nothing... And now he wants me to get revenge on Avalanche for embarrassing me! If I wasn't on a bloody contract I'd show him a thing or two..."

"Well, why don't you just borrow some clothes?"

"If you've ever met Tseng, then you'll know that he hates people out of uniform..." Rude answered.

"Exactly... I've gotta get hold of a blue suit... And the repo men are the only people that will have ones that will fit me... You know what this means don't you...?"

"Another pointless side quest that bulks up the story more, and sees us humiliate ourselves and others in some stupid way?" Rude answered with a question.

"Nope... Two pointless side quests..."

"Ugh... And you two expect to be able to compete in the Old Person Olympics and do missions on the side, in the space of three days?"

"No, not really, but we're the Hero's of the story, and the hero's always win!"

Or do they?

**The Midgarian National Restaurant...**

It was a well known fact that the Midgarian National Restaurant was a ShinRa owned business, although with the world nearly ending and all that, the MNR was hit hard, most of them where abandoned, the only ones left open was the one in the central Park of Sector Three, and the one in south Sector Seven...

The first one, in Sector three is run by a man called Toni, he's sixty next week, he has plans of retiring soon after... The restaurant has been run by him since it opened over thirty years ago...

What does this have to do with our story? Well nothing actually... But the actual place does play a part... Because around the back of the MNR is a dumpster... And in this dumpster is all of the joints waste food, in other words, it's a feast in the making for anybody feeling hungry, one little one in-particular that went by the name of Cait Sith.

You see, Cait Sith was homeless, once his job was done, Reeve kicked him out, Avalanche wouldn't take him, and even his Mog had left him...

"Get out of here ya lazy bum!" A voice shouted, Cait jumped up immediately, grabbing the fish he'd found and sped off and away from the potential danger...

The little cat continued to run...

**Back To Elsewhere...**

"I'm gonna grab the next person to go by and steal their clothes, then we're gonna go after the Rep-o-men and find out where my clothes are being kept."

"Agreed... Wait, there's somebody now, get them!"

**Our Little Friend...**

Cait ran and ran, and ran his little legs out, he turned a corner and kept on running... And just when he thought he could run no more, bam! Out of nowhere a door opens, which he rams into, then an arm comes from inside and grabs hold of the knocked out Cait...

**Presidents Office...**

"Okay, so I guess we're not going to be needing Cloud Strife's services... Who's next?" Elena said, as she watched El Penguin'o take his seat again.

"That fat guy..." Vincent replied, and pointed his claw toward a pillar.

"There's nobody there."

"Yes there is... I can smell him..."

"Alright... Whoever' there better come out! Or we'll let the Chocobo eat your eyes!"

"Please don't! I'm coming out!" The squeaky voice replied, before a large, round, balding man, sat on a stained Mog came out from behind the pillar.

"Palmer and Mog? What are you two doing here?" Elena asked, as she watched the Stuffed Mog struggle with the weight of Palmer's large... Body...

"Well..."

**Dun... Dun... Dun...!**

Cueball's Notes Begin!

Before I start ranting as usual... I'd just like to invite all of those lovely people out there who actually read my stories to review, can't think of anything to say? Try answering the questions below, or giving me an idea for the disclaimer.

Kinda plot hanger there, sorry about the longish wait for updates, been busy... Anyway, what to say this time around... I guess I liked this one, kinda random in places, but I wanna keep this story open plotted for the moment, try and milk it for all it's worth if you want, but it's gonna tie in really well...

Vincent being a Turk in training again... Not sure where that came from... But I can say El Penguin'o is a character from an up-coming fic of mine.

The reason for Cait Sith being here, well Reno needed some clothes, and I saw a fan-art of him dressed in Cait's gear... Palmer and Mog? Well, I forgot about Palmer last chapter, so it was either turn him into an 'Agent' or do something else with him, and it'd be funnier for him to be on the Conspiracy Team... If he actually makes it, which I doubt will happen... Cough... As for Mog, he's just such an under appreciated character, think about it, all Cait did was shout orders, it was Mog that did the attacks!

Oh yeah, I hate Cloud before anybody says I'm bashing him... He's just so... Blond!

Anyway, not much of Tifa, Dr. Barett and Ivan this chapter, or the Agents... Maybe next one...

Now, the questions:

Do you feel sorry for Cait, all alone and having to eat from a dumpster? If I am facing one way, and a friend is facing me, and we both raise our right hands, they're pointing in opposite directions, so which way is left? Anybody like El Penguin'o? Would the KFC outfit really bring out Reno's eye color and figure? If you dropped Cloud in a herd of Chocobo's, do you reckon you'd ever find him again? Have you noticed any little rhymes in this story? What are Palmer and Mog up to? Who's gonna make the cut for Elena's team? Will Mayor Domino play any role in future events? Will Reno's plan work? Why has Rude got so many earrings? Have you got any ideas to make the Turks say the Disclaimer? If you smile, does the world smile with you? And if you frown, do you frown alone?

All these questions and more, will be kicked in the nads next time, when the Turks and Teresa confront Twang and his gang, and Elena finds out what Palmer wants, in Turk Olympics Chapter Eight... 'Agent Palmer To the Rescue!'


	8. Agent Palmer To The Rescue!

Cait sith was having a really bad day... No home, to friends, And now, as if God himself was trying to humiliate him, his clothes had been taken by a crazy red head... And if that wasn't bad enough, the guys friends had tied him to a chair and stole the rotten fish he risked life and love to get...

Of coarse, he was a robotic fortune telling cat, so he couldn't have ate the fish... But it was the principle of the thing...

Poor little fella...

He just felt like crying... This was worse than the time Barett accidently set his tail on fire, then tried putting it out with lighter fluid...

"Reno... Can't you at least give him back his crown? Look at him, he looks so sad!" A female voice pleaded, Cait looked up with a new found hope, somebody feeling sorry for him? Just what he needed!

"No!" The red head replied, slamming his hand down on a table. "I feel more nekkid now than I did before!" Reno continued.

"That look suits you Reno..." Rude spoke up with a smirk, as he glanced at his friends new clothes...

White boxer shorts, covered with love hearts, a small red cape, bare chest, hairy legs, and red hair, topped with a gold crown looked back. "I hate you so much right now..."

Cait sith meanwhile, was using his best puppy dog eyes... Erm, kitty cat eyes... Big, round, mushy and watering... Teresa didn't stand a chance, poor Mary-Sue...

**President's Office... The Conspiracy Team is talking...**

"Palmer and Mog? What are you two doing here?" Elena asked, as she watched the Stuffed Mog struggle with the weight of Palmer's large... Body...

"Well..." The fat-man started, unsure how to continue.

"Well what? Hurry up, we've got loads of other people to interview!' Elena barked, pointing around the empty room.

"Erm... That is to say... Oh... Er..."

"Speak. We're getting impatient." Vincent ordered.

"Wark!" El Penguin'o added... Translation... "I like toenails!"

"Erm..." Palmer continued, his forehead was starting to feel wet... So were his armpits, and was his shirt always this sticky?

"Dammit Palmer..." Elena said under her breath, the Executive was too nervous, they were going to have to calm him down. "We need to calm him down... Any ideas?"

"Wark!"

"We can't do that... We've got no pies..."

"I may have an idea..."

**Ten Minutes Later...**

El Penguin'o, Vincent, Elena, Mog and Palmer are sat on the floor in a circle, in front of them all was a table, on top of that was...

"Tea! Isn't this marvelous?" Palmer asked with a jolly smile.

"Yeah, it's... Marvelous alright..." Elena replied with an unsure smile.

"I must admit, this is very... Pleasant..." Vincent stated, before lifting his cup up and taking a sip of his tea.

"Wark!" El Penguin'o added, and attempted to drink from his own cup... Of coarse, beaks aren't exactly easy to use when it comes to cups, and wings aren't very good for lifting... The cup shattered for the sixth time...

"..." Mog said, and lifted his thumb up.

"I just love having a spot of tea during the day, all that we need now, is plenty of Sugar and the secret ingredient." Palmer stated happily.

"What secret ingredient?" Elena asked.

"Oh, I shouldn't really tell you, but the secret ingredient is Lard!"

"Erm... Okay... Lets move onto business shall we?" The blond Turk asked, as she attempted to find out what was going on.

"Well, as you may have noticed, the other Executives have been acting strangely lately, so I did some investigating..."

**Flashback time... Cue wavy flashback sounds...**

You see, it was an ordinary day, just like the rest of them... I was having a nice cup of tea with my secretary, when who should pop-in but Scarlet... Nothing odd so far, she always comes by for a spot of tea.

But, she was wearing a pair of Sunglasses, which I thought was a little strange, but that Turk does it all the time, so I figured it was just a fashion thing.

"Good morning Scarlet, my dear! What can I do for you?"

"The President wants to see you... Now..." She said to me, I was happy to tell the truth, it's not everyday the President wants to talk to me, or sends Scarlet herself down to get me, thats probably why she's acting kind of off.

"Right away! Be a dear and clean away this mess for me would you Patty? Thanks."

Being the nice man that I am, I decided to talk to my fellow Executive... To put it bluntly, she wasn't very talkative...

"So what does the President need me for?"

"Something important."

"Oh... Nice weather we're having eh? Don't get much sun these days..."

"Yes..."

I gave up then, because we were both stepping out of the Elevator... We walked up the stairs, then knocked on the doors, before stepping in.

This is where things get kinda fuzzy, you see, the door opened and we stepped in, I saw a few sets of red lights, and then something hit me, I think it was a lamp... Or maybe it was a gun, or a poodle... But everything went dark...

When I woke up, I felt different... It was like I was there, but not in control, like a spectator.

**End Dodgy Flashback Sounds...**

"So then what happened?" Elena asked, interested at the story.

"I was one of them, I don't know how, or why though..." Palmer finished.

Elena went over the story again, something was nagging at her, she couldn't just figure it out though...

"What happened to you after that? Obviously your not one of them anymore..." Vincent asked, beating the blond Turk to her question.

"Well, after that, I... Did some strange things..."

**Flashback Time Again...**

I found out what they were... Parasites, they somehow managed to infect the Executives, my guess is Dr. Hojo got one from a car boot sale... But anyway, wherever they come from, they seem to have two enemies that resemble female underwear... Pantie-Talons and Bra-liens... They used my own body and the others to test measure's to destroy the threat...

This went on for some time... But, probably one of the most important things we were required to do, was to act normal, which is what saved me...

You see, I was sitting down for tea with my Secretary, and as per usual, she added the secret ingredient, Lard... I believe the high fat levels and carbohydrates in this product killed off the Parasite... Either that, or that two week old sandwich had something to do with it...

**So Ends The Flashback...**

"So the Lard kills the Parasites?" Vincent asked with curiosity, looking from Palmer, to Mog, briefly wondering how the hell his old fighting friend carried Palmer's larger than life ass... Ets... Cough... Assets...

"That's what I'm guessing..." Palmer replied, sipping lightly at his tea. "But like I said, it could have been the two week old sandwich."

"So that means we've gotta somehow get lard or two week old Sandwiches into all those infected?" Elena asked.

"Yes, but for all we know-..." Palmer started.

"Wark!" Interrupted El Penguin'o, Mog nodded, and stuck a thumb up.

"What are they saying?" Palmer asked, pointing toward the non-human's.

"I dunno, that dumb Chocobo never makes any sense to me..." Replied Elena with a smile, she looked back to Palmer, shook her head as if deciding something, and turned to Vincent. "We seem to be the only two capable of having a coherent conversation, let alone a dangerous mission... What do you say we ditch these three and save the day?"

Vincent raised an eyebrow, before nodding and speaking: "After we finish this tea."

Dun... Dun... Dun...!

So very sorry about the long wait! Hope you guys are still interested in this story, it's not dead yet!

Anyway, about this chapter: Mostly finished a week or two after the last update, the reason I couldn't upload it on here is simple: No internet connection, which sucks. I normally use a PC at my local library, but they closed down and moved buildings, just opened back up today, so yeah, there you go. My new Xbox 360 had nothing to do with it what so ever... Nope, not a thing...

Things are shaping up in this old tale, a few more chapters and it'll be done.

Now for the interactive bit: The questions.

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobodies around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does Teresa really feel sorry for Cait? How the hell can Mog carry Palmer? If Cloud dressed like a fairy, and started dating a biker named Boris, would you be surprised? Why does nobody like Cait? What's with Palmer liking Lard so much? Where did these Parasites come from? Are the creatures insane, or do they really have enemies called 'Pantie-Talons and Bra-Liens? What's the difference between a Sandwich and a man-wich? Does a Bear st in the woods? Is this enough questions, or do you want more next time?

All these questions and more will join a folk singing back and have a platinum album, next time, when Vincent and Elena try to cure the Exec's, Palmer, Mog and El Penguin'o pick flowers in a daisy field, Reno and Rude tackle the Repo Men, while Cait Sith finds a friend, who happens to be a girl... Next time, in Turk Olympics chapter 9. "Crouching Bald Guy, Hidden Red-Head"


End file.
